


Babe

by phantomichaelis



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Actor!Sebastian, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheater!Sebastian, Comfort, Feels, Fluff, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 20:09:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17946311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomichaelis/pseuds/phantomichaelis
Summary: "We're a wreck, you're the wrecking ball..."They say that love could outweigh any pain. But honestly, how much pain is just too much?





	Babe

**Author's Note:**

> All that angst from those RinHaru fics are rubbing off on me... Inspired by the song Babe by Sugarland.

At age 16, Ciel met an arrogant, charming, and talented young lad; only a few months older than himself.

He had seen him before, the boy with the bright and promising career, as one Good Morning Britain news anchor stated. He looked magnificent enough on the screen of Ciel's telly, but he realized even that could do no justice as to how breathtaking Sebastian truly was in person.

The moment their eyes met was something that ought to be recorded in history. Ciel knew right then and there that he found him, his _one great love_... Ironic, since he never was a believer of the term _'love at first sight'_ and it was not even _first sight_ at all; but surely, the impact of that moment really was too great to be considered mediocre.

Instantly, they magnetize towards one another, and within the distance of barely a foot between them, Ciel still wanted him to be closer.

"Sebastian Michaelis... and you are?" Said the most seductive baritone that ever registered his ear.

"Ciel Phantomhive." He answered, reaching to meet that outstretched hand. 

Sebastian surprised him by bringing his hand parallel to his lips and kissing the back of his knuckles, beautiful garnet eyes never leaving his. He was a like a prince or a nobleman pulled out of the literary pieces that he so adored... The perfect gentleman.

"Lovely meeting you, Ciel." Said the lad, and right then Ciel knew that this bloke would either be his greatest memory or his biggest regret... 

_He never had a clue that it'll be both..._

***

At age 18, Ciel felt like he was falling apart. Pain tore through him in magnitudes that he didn't even knew possible.

Funny, how it started violently... He pounded and scratched at Sebastian's chest, pulled at his hair, and screamed his broken heart out at his face. 

Now, the entirety of him can't feel none but numbness. The kind of numb that seeped through every bone in his body. The kind that made him oblivious to the blood that dripped down from his knuckles, the aching soreness of his throat, and the stinging from his bloodshot eyes.

"Babe..." Murmured the voice that he used to love hearing. Used to, since ache is the only thing it brought right then.

"Ciel, please look at me. Say something... Please." Sebastian begged. 

He could feel the sorrow from his voice and without looking up he knew that those vibrant crimson eyes were shedding tears. His own have long since dried, but the trail and evidences they left were still blatantly visible.

"What... do you want me to say?" He finally replied without daring to look up and meet that pleading gaze.

"Anything. Just talk to me, babe. Let's fix this." He felt the familiar warmth at his side, one strong arm pulling him close as though afraid he might go.

_Babe..._

Sebastian was the one who suggested the endearment. He said it was cute, it suited Ciel, and it sounded American.

"Why did you do it with that lad?" He found himself asking, despite knowing how the answer might break him for good.

"Would you rather it was a girl?"

"I would rather it was no one at all!" He screamed, his pain back in full force as though the numbness was just his body's way of taking a quick break.

Sebastian was trembling, fingers cold as ice as he reached for his lover. "Ciel, what do you want me to do?" He might be an awful person and the worst boyfriend possible, but a liar he never was. "You're not there ... I was frustrated, shitfaced, I-- I needed immediate release." He hanged his head in shame.

"Well, sorry if I can't bend over for you 24/7, Sebastian! Sorry for inconveniencing you because my hole wasn't available and that you had to be bothered finding and using another!" Ciel hollered, rage and heartache coiling in on one another.

"Babe, it's not like that!" Frantic hands swiped all over him, trying to coax him to meet those ardent eyes. "It's different... what I do with-- others, and when I... make lov--"

"Don't say it! Don't you dare fucking say it, Sebastian." His trembling hands started hitting Sebastian's chest again.

How long till it isn't just mindless fucking? How long would it take for Sebastian to start feeling something whilst in the arms of another? How long till it's no longer _different_ than making love to Ciel?

"Am I..." Ciel choked, feeling the hot tears cascading relentlessly once more. "Am I not enough?" He spoke with his heart twisting in agony, frightened of what the answer might be.

"Ciel," Sebastian wrapped his arms around him and dragged him to their bed. "You're enough... More than enough. You're all I want."

That hoarse, yet still attractive voice kept telling him things but Ciel was too focused on his own pain. For now, he welcomed the arms around him with his back pressed to Sebastian's chest, cried his eyes out until his body couldn't take it anymore and eventually let himself slip to the sweet callings of ignorant sleep.

He awoke, some hours later, to Sebastian's barely contained sniffles. Wetness soaking his shirt from where the incessant tears collected.

"I'm sorry." Sebastian whispered, feeling him squirm from his touch. If he was apologizing for the tears, or tearing Ciel apart, Ciel himself wasn't sure.

Wordlessly, he maneuvered his body to face Sebastian. Still the loveliest person he had ever seen, despite his puffy eyes and tear soaked cheeks.

"Ciel..." He heard him mumble, said nothing when shaky hands touched his face. Carefully mapping out the contours as how a blind person would. "Babe," He didn't protest when Sebastian closed the gap between their lips...

No words came from Ciel either when Sebastian shifted to loom above him, expert hands unbuttoning his shirt one by one until every piece of fabric between them lay in a useless pile on the floor.

He kissed him, relenting only for them to catch their breaths before kissing him again. Slicked fingers found his entrance and carefully prepared him with utmost reverence. As though afraid of breaking him any further...

Sebastian kissed every square inch of his body next, whispering words of affection and praises that all fell deaf on Ciel's ears. He wanted to feel numb, to numb the pain but never Sebastian's touch.

He found himself begging, begging to be taken. Begging to feel his lover within him, around him, all over him. All of what Sebastian could do just to ease the pain for a moment of bliss.

When he finally entered him, it was so agonizingly slow that Ciel whimpered and sobbed in frustration, Sebastian lowering his face just so their lips could connect.

"I love you." Sebastian whispered, hips starting to thrust carefully onto Ciel. 

And despite himself, he wondered... How many ears have heard those words? How many lips had kissed those that are tasting Ciel's now?

As Sebastian kissed along his neck, still murmuring his love, Ciel can't help but imagine those same lips on someone else's, whispering the same passion that he was currently receiving.

"Seb... Sebastian." Ciel cried, tears of pain running down the sides of his face despite the euphoria that his body was receiving.

"I love you, Ciel." Sebastian repeated, linking their hands together."-so much... _Only you._ "

Only one what? Surely not the only one he kisses? The only one he hold hands with? The only one he comes home to? Which was it? What was it anymore that differs Ciel to any other hole that Sebastian fucks?

Ciel's hips met Sebastian's downward thrusts out of instinct. Falling into the familiar rhythm of their bodies joining together to achieve mutual ecstasy. Sobbing as every pleasure that shot through him felt equally as torturous as it's gratifying.

His blue eyes were tight shut, hidden behind ivory lids. If Sebastian heard his sobs getting louder, he made no move acknowledging them. The touch on his body was familiar, those lips that continued trailing kisses, soft hands that teased and knew his pleasure zones; and that comforting weight above him, delivering that pleasurable stretch down where they were connected. No different from the countless passionate unions they've had.

Ciel would have deemed it enough, would have lost himself to the make believe that nothing had been changed between them; that it was none but the many nights in which they indulge in each other... But that was until Sebastian's hand circled his erection, pumping along with the push of his hips that Ciel snapped his eyes open in surprise. 

As the pleasure raised through him, so did the blinding pain. As if he was ripped right back to reality upon the sight of Sebastian atop him, face contorted in ecstasy with his eyes closed.

"Ah, babe. You feel so fucking good." Sebastian moaned and the erratic pace of his hips hasten, along with the hand tugging at Ciel's arousal.

Ciel stared despite his heart breaking. He always thought he was special, because despite whatever role Sebastian played behind the camera, despite the many emotions he show for millions of people to see; this view, this raw emotion on Sebastian face was at least for his eyes alone. Ciel used to take pride that the realest, most vulnerable Sebastian is was when with him.

Now, after knowing that he wasn't the only one privy to such a view, Ciel felt... empty. Broken, and someone no different from the throng of Sebastian's fans. 

It left him wondering if Sebastian even recalls that it was Ciel beneath him, or did they all feel the same that he can't even be bothered to remember...

"Seb-- I..." He struggled, feeling his lungs burn like he was having a panic attack. "C-can't..."

Suddenly, the touches felt foreign. This wasn't his Sebastian. This can't be the man who promised to be by his side and to protect him at all cost. For why would that man ever be the one to hurt him instead?

"Sebastian! Stop! Stop it!" He shouted, using what little strength he had to push that unfamiliar body away, the length inside him, the hand around his cock, and those lips on his skin, they felt like knives that stabbed him repeatedly, instead of the touch of a lover that he had given his heart to.

"Ciel, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" Sebastian heaved, frantic, pulling out to cradle that rounded face beneath him.

 _Did I hurt you?_ He asked...

Ciel was now bawling, sobbing his heart out in deafening wails that did nothing to alleviate the pain in his chest. His heart kept breaking, no matter how hard Sebastian was kissing his lips. His soul was slowly shattering despite how tight those arms tried to squeeze him.

"I can't... Sebastian--" The name tasted like blood on his tongue. "I can't do this... I k-keep thinking-- thinking about..."

Sebastian's arms only tightened around him, face pressed against the crook of his neck. "Babe, please." He could feel the wetness running down his back, the desperate way Sebastian clung to him. He knew what Ciel was about to say, he could feel the thick, anxious finality of this moment in the air.

"I'm sorry... I d-don't think I can--" Ciel choked between his own sobs and the tight embrace that knocked the air out of his lungs. "Let me go. Sebastian, please, ... let me go." He wasn't sure if he was pertaining to the embrace or their relationship.

Sebastian shook his head, tear soaked eyes finally meeting Ciel's own wet ones. "Do you not love me anymore?"

"God, Sebastian!" He exclaimed, feeling like he wanted to punch him once more just to make him feel his pain. "I wouldn't be hurting this badly if I didn't love you so bloody much..." A sob racked his chest once more, as though attesting to how much this man meant to him. "I hate you, because right now you're the very reason as to why I don't want to love you."

"Then give me another chance." Sebastian begged, the thought of really losing Ciel finally dawning on him. " I--I'll make it up to you, I'll spend the rest of my life... making it up to you. Just, ... please... Don't leave-- don't leave me." His usually eloquent self shook by hiccups and sobs.

"Don't stop... loving me. Please." Sebastian added, in a voice so small, so broken that it shattered Ciel even more, if that was possible. Why was it that he had nothing, none at all, left to give and yet still want to offer the world just to stop Sebastian's tears?

Maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was adrenaline, but all of a sudden, his own tears stopped, he found his voice again, and the strength, physical and emotional, to break free from the arms that he considered his home.

"I love you, Sebastian and I don't know if I could ever stop," He started, cupping both of those wet cheeks with his shaky palms. "--but sometimes no matter how much you love someone, it's just not enough to stay by their side... I want to be selfish for once. I want to prioritize myself for a change."

"Ciel, I... please-- I can't lose you. I d-don't know if I can..." Those crimson eyes were desperate, spilling tears that Ciel had seen a thousand times, but the emotions in those red pools were present in none of the many roles that Sebastian had portrayed.

Ciel kissed him, it was an ugly, desperate scene full of tears, and teeth, and bruised lips, but it was the best he could offer to ease the pain. 

Both for Sebastian and himself.

After that kiss he gathered what was left of his will and left. Never looking back. Afraid of looking back... Leaving Sebastian with a broken heart, in order to fix his own.

***

At age 23, Ciel had been the subject of the biggest jest that fate could ever pull off.

The day itself was cliché enough as it is, a bright and sunny afternoon like that of the fated day of their initial meeting. Dejavu paled in comparison to whatever stunt they managed to catch themselves in on.

Five years after he left Sebastian's life, he found himself threading the old bookstore wherein he met the man. His flat was an hour away from his childhood town, a job that kept him occupied for most of the day, and still... He finds himself back in there every once and a whilst.

And just like the first time their worlds collided, Ciel was instantly drawn to the enigma that was Sebastian Michaelis.

One look onto those stunned garnet eyes, and everything came back in a flash. Every suppressed emotion that took him years to actually suppress. The aching for his lost love, the pain of Sebastian's betrayal, the guilt of leaving and giving up on them. And with it, came the memories. All of it.

How they both cried that night. His mother's tears at his utterly broken state. How many times he broke down from listening to Sebastian's endless voicemails whilst crying out Ciel's name. The struggle of keeping himself from just running back to Sebastian's arms. The many nights he cried himself to sleep, only to dream about him in the most vivid of ways.

But, all of that was five years ago...

Five whole years of fixing and finding himself. Five years of healing his old wounds.

Whoever coined in the term _'time heals all wounds'_ probably had been in a similar situation Ciel had. For despite remembering all of those painful moments that wrecked him to the core, all he felt was the ache of an old injury that had long since healed.

What remained vivid were the countless nights of passion that Sebastian had professed his love. Every I love you's, I missed you's, and I can't live without you's. The plans for the future that they promised to share together and with nobody else. Every kiss, every touch, and the feel of Sebastian's warmth that never really left Ciel's memory even over the years without it.

Ciel found himself opening his mouth first, despite the conflicting rush of emotions. "I..."

What was it? I missed you? I still love you? "What brings you here?"

Sebastian smiled, still confident, still charming, but lacked the childish arrogance that once was there. "I'm here to pick up reference and inspiration for my new book."

"Book? Oh, are you doing a book themed movie now? I'm sorry I'm not really watching the telly these days. It's been tough, trying to revive my dad's company, you know, Funtom? I told you about that before. Oh, I'm sorry, I sure you don't want to hear any of that. So, what book is that you're going to be a pa--"

"Ciel," Sebastian cut him off, fondly recalling Ciel's knack to ramble on when nervous. "No, I'm not acting anymore." Ciel adorably gasped.

"I had to direct my passion elsewhere and discovered I somehow can be an adequate author if I tried really hard." Sebastian continued, letting himself look at Ciel. Really look at Ciel. His lost love, his anchor, his light. The light that seemed to shine brighter despite their fall.

When he lost that light, he momentarily lost himself as well. Lost all of his dreams and whatever will he had left to move forward. He ruined what could have been a bright and promising future. But alas, a future without Ciel was nowhere near bright nor promising... 

So, he decided to try again. For himself... and hopefully, for Ciel as well.

"You look great, Ciel." From Ciel's ramblings, he had deduced that he was doing great as well. Sebastian swallowed; feeling every bone in his body shake for what he was about to ask next.

"Are you--" That gorgeous of a lad, smart, kind, and patient? Of course someone would want, would try hard, to be his. Sebastian thought. "Are you seeing someone?"

Ciel looked stunned as though he wasn't sure how to say a mere monosyllabic response, but eventually... he just shook his head. Then gulped, anticipating the opposite answer from Sebastian. "You?"

Sebastian did not even bothered hiding his relief. Releasing the shaky breath that he felt might stop his heart any given moment.

"No, I'm not even looking for anyone." He felt tears prick his eyes, years of love and pain concentrating onto this one final moment. This final chance to fulfill those promises of a future with Ciel.

"I'm still fixing myself, making sure I'm worthy enough before getting my babe back."


End file.
